We’ve done it. We are trained professionals. Five weeks of grueling training. 10 hours of actual classroom experience. We’ve graduated and are completely planned out and prepared for the birth of this baby.
Ha! Not in our wildest dreams! While it’s true that we have completed the class (and we have the “diploma” to prove it) – not even the two of us are naive enough to believe that! At best, we’ve learned that we need to put together a plan (which we’ve done) and that we need to be prepared to throw the whole plan out the window! We’ve heard that babies don’t always do what we plan for them to do…
So our course was called “Birth and Babies”. The first four classes were all about “birth” (and the planning and then why you might need to throw it out the window). The last class was “babies” and some fundamental care (did you know you have to feed these things?).
So we get to class and check out our assigned “baby” – ours was a girl named Diana. We covered all of the basic creams, lubes, ointments, sterilizers, umbilical cords, circumcision (poor little fella), pacifiers, bottles, formula, milk storage, etc, etc, etc.
Then we moved on to the actual baby. We learned how to swaddle. It certainly was easy with the plastic doll. I’m certain that Mike will be just as still and cooperative. We got to undress and dress the baby. Again – we excelled at this and we are both positive that Mike will lay still and allow us to change his clothes at will. We got to change diapers. This was yet another easy task and again, we are certain that Mike will lay still while we wipe his butt, lube him up, and put on a fresh diaper. And our practice baby didn’t pee on us or puke on us. Again, we have talked with Mike and he seems agreeable to this.
Then comes the more humorous part of the class. We got to give Diana a bath. “Sure”, you say. “What’s the humor in that?”
Well – Diana had something sticky on her belly. We had our little tube of water with a little bit of soap in it. We washed her up, but the unknown sticky substance remained. In an effort to be nice to the next couple to “adopt” Diana, we decided to try a little more diligently to remove the substance. More soapy water. Scrub a little harder. Little did we know that we had began to draw the attention of Nurse Nancy who was running the class.
The unknown substance was being rather stubborn. We decided more soap was in order. We opened up the bottle and poured a little directly on Diana. That was when Nurse Nancy (with a look of disbelief on her face – after all, we had been star pupils) decided she had better intervene. “Ummmm – you really don’t need to scrub quiet so hard. Babies skin is pretty sensitive. And you should put the soap in the water and not directly on the baby.”
We started laughing which made Nurse Nancy a little more nervous. I could see that she was beginning to doubt our abilities! So we quickly showed her the unknown sticky substance and she gave a huge sigh of relief!
And all was good in the world again. Class ended a short while later, and Nurse Nancy handed us our diploma. Ahhhhhhh – already a successful parent and Mike isn’t even born yet. Good thing that he has already agreed to be as cooperative as our plastic training baby!
Are you following the countdown? If you are – here it goes! “Forty-four bottles of beer on the wall. Forty-four bottles of beer. Take on down. Pass it around.”
Yikes – it’s getting close now. Less than two cases to go…